The Weight of the Wait

Every 2 Weeks

The hope swells in my heart again at the chance, at the possibility of a First Approval decision on behalf of our family’s match with "Palida." Almost every other Wednesday in Thailand there’s a committee that meets to review waiting family files and this group, made up of public servants, has the power to approve a match with your child. Our agency has provided the dates for these meetings, and we have those dates printed out for the entire year. And every two weeks we pray and ask the Lord for His hand on this adoption program and for movement in this process; not just for us but for each family anxiously awaiting approval just like us. Every approval meeting date we pray a similar prayer, we request of the Lord that the families who are meant to receive First Approval would be granted it at that meeting. 

With the time zone being 11 hours ahead in Thailand, on the meeting dates I’m always praying as we sit down to dinner and head to bed - that as their day begins in Thailand that the committee team would make decisions that are led and guided by the Most High God, who is Sovereign and in control of it all. 

We have prayed this every two weeks for almost 6 months now.

And we wait. 

And with this every-two-week-meeting rhythm, it has become an emotional roller coaster of HOPE and then DISAPPOINTMENT.  We trust God’s timing and believe that His plans are good and that He knows best, but the reality is that we feel disappointed every time it’s a no. We rejoice with the families that get approvals, as they have waited longer than we have and we know that movement in the program and approvals for any waiting family is a win for us all. 

Reality check: This particular step in the adoption process has an estimated wait time of 9-15 months for families. We have been waiting since November. We know that the likelihood of waiting the estimated timeframe is high; but we pray and ask for movement and for shorter wait times, believing that this is better for the children that will be placed in their forever families. It’s so hard to accept these timelines- but to pray earnestly and still not see any changes. I want so much more! I want a miracle. I want a radically different outcome and journey than the norm. I believe in a God that CAN. But I just don’t know if He will, and that’s a constant strain on my faith. I know that He is able and I want so badly for Him to move mountains. I have the faith that mountains can absolutely be moved!! But I wrestle with when God doesn’t and I don’t understand His ways. They’re higher than mine and I do not know what is best. I submit to His will, but I grapple with the very real frustrations and emotions that come with separation from my child in this waiting season. I only have prayer; it’s my only means to move anything along. There is no control, I cannot do anything to change our circumstances or convince anyone to make decisions. I serve the God who can move in hearts and move processes along. I have to keep giving Him my anger, disappointments, and even apathy. There is a temptation to wall up my heart and attempt to feel nothing so that I won't continue to get hurt over and over again. I don’t want to numb my heart. But I don’t want to open myself up to the disappointments of hoping over and over and over again. 6 months is just long enough to start making you wonder if it will ever happen. And make you think about all the things you’re missing, the milestones of your little one.

Birthday Girl

Olive’s 2nd birthday is approaching. The countdown is on. On May 24th, she will turn 24 months. And the fact that we will miss two birthdays with her and all the milestones and developmental moments of these first two years of life is truly devastating. It feels so unfair and the injustice fuels my anger. But I don’t want to be mad or go mad. I need to focus on all the many things I am called to steward in my life here and now. I have so many responsibilities and ample blessings to be thankful for. I can see the opportunities that are allowing me to grow; and I want to be a stronger, healthier, and a more readied mother for my daughter. I want to be open to ways that I need to change or sacrifice in this season to become more prepared for all that bringing her home will mean for my life and our family. I know that there’s plenty that the Lord wants to do in and through me now. It’s just so hard to accept a delayed desire, hope deferred. It can truly make the heart sick. 

I have hesitated to use the word "grief" for what we feel as waiting parents in this adoption process, as I don't want to be insensitive to people in our lives that have LOST a loved one and struggle with the difficulty of never getting that person's life back on this earth. But I have examined my heart as I process the strange and challenging emotions that come with waiting for a loved one to come into your life, and this is but a glimpse into that emotional process. 

Grieving Mother

Have you ever met a grieving mother crying for her young?

Grief, they say is experienced through the loss of a loved one

But I’ve discovered, that there’s this thing

And I call it backwards grief  

Where you feel the real and indescribable loss of what you’ve never (yet) received 

The joy is coming up ahead

I know this in my head

I know I’ll hold her and get to care for her then -

But it’s hard to live in the future tense 

I’m losing all the heres and nows

The milestones and moments 

She’s learned to walk and is starting to talk

But I have no choice, I have no voice

Even though I know where she belongs 

I must hold on and survive a process that feels so dark and unknown

It’s lonely and confusing 

And it hits in different waves

This backwards grief can come at anytime, 

And overtake my mind, my heart, my day

The weight of the wait 

It can feel so unfair

I cry out to My God,

Won’t you hear this mama’s prayer?

We want our daughter here and now and we have no idea how long this journey will continue to be. We covet the prayers and we have appreciated every word of encouragement and gift that has been given to our family and for our little girl.

We have felt the love as we wait and try to articulate how this process feels as we go through it; we know that it’s not an easy pain to empathize with because it’s quite unlike any other journey to a child or loved one. It’s an agonizing ache inside that stays with you and hides under life’s busyness - but gets uncovered and a trigger will set off the pain and angst all over again. You move forward with life and you adult as you should, maturity calling you to press forward and keep on. Hope of the future outcome driving you along. But the muscle of waiting is being stretched and pulled and sometimes completely torn. But it builds, a little at a time. And we partner with the Holy Spirit to see the waiting muscle turn into something strong and steady, endurance cultivated. 

Mother's Day

The day is approaching, and the feelings are mixed. The emotions are bittersweet. When You are a mother. You have a mother. You have adopted children with biological mothers. When one of your children is not yet with you. When she has a Foster mom. 

There's a lot of layers... there are many mothers involved in Mother's Day in my world.  I think of each of them and I pray for them. I'm grateful for them. I grieve for them each in different ways. I am a mother that is not yet holding both of my children with me on this occasion. It feels incomplete. Still worth celebrating, just a little broken. 

Adventures in the Waiting 

We move forward as a family with the responsibilities and adventures of life. We look for all the ways that God is moving and leading us. And we have done some exciting things together and will continue to follow His voice as we grow together, pray for our missing little link, and serve Him as a family - no matter the season and what we look like as a growing family.

We got a puppy in this waiting season. They say sometimes people get a puppy when they want a baby… well, maybe there's something to that. Maybe he's that little bit of baby that our hearts are crying out for. 

Bo has been a fun addition, lots of work, and many laughs for our crew! 

A new adventure ahead that we are excited to take together is our first family mission trip!

We are planning to go to Jamaica where we have ministry partners. In fact, it's the sweet couple that we rent our home from in Athens that lives and works in Jamaica where they minister to children with special needs. We are excited to join their work for a week this summer, and to visit our friends, a young family that moved there earlier this year to join the ministry efforts there. 

Aaro is excited to see his friends and to go on his first mission trip! (Here he is with the Jamaica monkey that Steven's first mission team brought back as a souvenir for him :)

If you'd be interested in partnering with us to help send us this summer, here's our Family Giving Link

We are looking forward to introducing Aaro to serving on an international mission trip, something that is so special and dear to mine and Steven's hearts.  We feel that this is a special opportunity, and we believe it will be the first step in a future of serving the nations ongoing together as family!