A Seven-Week Silence

I awoke bleary-eyed, creeping one eye open, peering over, wondering what the fuss was all about. Steven was in his own early morning slumber, jet-lagged from a week long trip in California, and it was his first morning back. Thinking we had yet another hour to sleep before an All Staff Meeting to attend, we were awakened with confusion to a buzzing message requesting a private meeting before the big one. We dashed out of bed and got ourselves ready as quickly as possible, wanting to respect the request, and anxious to know the reason for it.

You will get some news today that will change your day - this quick and forewarning message whispered in my spirit abruptly, but my heart rejected it ever so quickly, assuming that my anxiety was doing the talking. So I grabbed my belongings, and scurried out the door, heading off to what I hoped to be an ordinary Tuesday… though an unexpected day awaited me. 

The news left me in shock. 

I refused to attach to any one emotion because I wasn’t ready to accept what I had heard and what it would entail. 

But the reality was that I had 48 hours to process this heavy decision of a budget-related personnel cut, wrap up all of my affairs, and execute  one last event in my position. The task seemed impossible, and in my own strength (or lack thereof) it was.
I found myself within hours of receiving the news sitting across the couch from a wise and loving mentor, coaching me through the hours that lie ahead—the crucial, fragile, make-it or break-it moments ahead. She walked me through a God-honoring, Jesus-centered, Biblical approach to handling my difficult circumstances, and she bathed me in prayer and scripture. She let me cry on her shoulder— and we are talkin’ snotty-nose, mascara-running kind of sloppy tears on her shoulder. She walked me through a game-plan, and taught me how to rely on Jesus for grace and humility by honoring my leaders, regardless of my opinions of their decision.

Oh, the agony, oh the pain that set in when I was alone with my thoughts and my prayers with the Lord. The grief was so real. The loss, a shock. And the time frame, so quick.

But I was motivated to serve the women with all that I could give, and to end this chapter well. And when that Thursday night gathering unfolded, and the spirit of the Lord met us there on that first chilly night of fall, we gathered our warmth and strength from the fellowship of being together and the heart-felt praises that met the wide open skies above us. Oh, what a sweet night it was. The perfect ending to a beautiful season. 

An unexpected ending, if it were. 

Five weeks ago. 

And the days and weeks since have been a cocktail of sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, confusion, worry, and doubt. But each of these stinging, painful emotions have also been met with the goodness and mercy of God, quiet moments of peace, kindness and provision. His grace is sufficient, truly, and I have experienced this grace poured out in various forms in these last several weeks. Though I have waited in a sea of unknowns, drowning at times by the emotions that loss can bring…I have also experienced new depths and I’ve been met with love and hope as a fresh set of waves have started to come in.

I have waited in silence for 5 weeks for any kind of direction, not in a hurry to figure anything out on my own, but patiently waiting, as much as possible… for a sign, for some clarity, for a new direction to resurrect from the dormant ground beneath me.

Steven and I have also waited in silence for over 7 weeks on the Initial Approval from CARA, the Indian government entity responsible for approving our files to adopt in their country. The discouraging news that came my way in these troubled past weeks sliced a deeper cut in my open wound: “CARA has been behind because of personnel loss and the monsoon season from earlier this year. Family’s have been waiting longer than normal for initial approval.”  Whew. This is not the news my heart wanted to hear. But oh, how the whole “monsoon season” thing struck a cord. 

In these weeks of waiting, the Lord has met me in some wonderful, personal ways. There’s a book that landed ever-so-timely into my hands called “The Bait of Satan” by John Bevere. The Holy Spirit has used this book to train my heart on the Biblical approach to offense. Holding onto offense is such a toxic, deadly weight to our spirits, hindering forgiveness and life and freedom. There are so many good truths that I have grabbed ahold of in this book, while feeling the very real sting of conviction ALL along the way. 

There are a few albums that have been on constant replay and repeat over these last several weeks, as well. One in particular being Pat Barrett’s recent self-titled album. There’s a song called “Sparrows and Lilies” that has been an absolute lullaby to my weary soul for days on end, claiming, 

“Hold on, love. Things are gonna get better, things are gonna get better, I know it’s hard.  Hold on, love, things are gonna better, things are gonna get better, I know they are.” 

The first song on the album seems to be my anthem for this next chapter, too, called “Into Faith I Go”… and it’s upon change that new faith is truly being launched. Not what or how I would have chosen, yet being used for growth I can see.

Another album that serendipitously found its way onto my playlist is by a group I hadn’t heard of before: The Gray Havens. Their new album titled, “She Waits” couldn’t have been more appropriately named for my current life circumstances. Each song has found its way into my heart, each for different reasons. But all have marked me and helped me sort through the different emotions and circumstances I’ve been facing. 

So, she waits. 

CARA Approval will pave the way to being MATCHED with our child, the part I’m anxiously awaiting! To know who our child is.. to have a face and a gender and an age and a file! I cannot wait. But I must.

And some wonderful opportunities have come my way for work. I’m blessed to say that a new opportunity came my way through a new friend that I met THROUGH our Adoption process! Our agency introduced us this summer, saying that we lived pretty close to one another and were close in the timing of our processes— and lo, and behold! This new friend of mine lives only 10 minutes down the road, grew up in my community, we have several mutual friends, and she co-owns a company I’ve loved and admired for a long time! And she reached out to share an opportunity with me to join their team right on the heels of my difficult transition, making my load just a little lighter and bringing joy to my broken heart. And I am thrilled to be joining the team at Well-Watered Women, knowing that God planned it and foresaw it before I could’ve known any changes were coming my way.

And just to bring along some sweet and timely confirmation and to give me a sign that He works in all things, I went to my interview for this new job last week, and one of the young ladies in the office/warehouse was WEARING our Adoption T-Shirt! She couldn’t have known that I was going to be coming in that morning! Only God could’ve prompted her to wear that shirt that morning. And I’m so thankful that He did. He’s so sweet like that.

As we wait in our adoption journey, we would like to invite you to pray along with us for patience in the waiting. Please pray for our hearts to be turned to our living hope, Jesus Christ and not to be placed on any person but Him. It is easy to idolize this child and believe that he or she will fulfill the unmet desires within us, but it is unfair to place our hopes and desires on any person. This child will not be able to fulfill our deepest needs. Please pray that our hearts will find satisfaction in Christ and that His love will dwell richly within us.

Our incredible agency, Lifeline shared the most encouraging prayers with us. They are leading us to pray in these specific ways, and we’d love to invite you to pray along with us over these precious requests. We believe that all of the prayers we pray are seeds planted, and we expect them to come to fruition in the days ahead:

1. Our child’s caregivers: that God would provide them with strength and joy in caring for our child. May the Lord preserve this child and keep him or her safe.

2. That the Lord would provide the Lifeline team with wisdom when it comes time to match! Their prayer is that they would continue the mindset of “‘What child is the Link family the best fit for to cherish, care for, and build up rooted in love, and establish in faith?’ Rather than, ‘Who is the best child for the Link family?’” We are praying for the Lord to gift the Lifeline team with great wisdom.

3. Would the Lord be so mighty and big, that our child comes to follow Christ and that God uses him or her to reach the unreached of India?

Lord, grant me the patience that I need to wait on You and your timing. You are writing a beautiful story of our child’s adoption into our family, and I want to be present and active in each step of this journey, not wishing away the time. You are teaching me so much and refining me to become the mother that this child needs. I cannot wait to love and care for the child you have chosen for me and my husband and our future children. You have great plans, this I know to be true. Help me to trust You, with not only my words, but in my attitude and actions. Lord, would you also use our journey toward adoption to encourage and inspire others to take steps toward giving an orphaned child a forever family, too? You are so good, and so merciful. Make your mercy abound in me, and let me overflow with the love of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. Guide my steps and use this waiting time to teach me and refine me, making me useful for your Kingdom purposes. You’re my provider and protector and you have my heart- I give it to you wholly. Please watch over my little one and send my love. ❤️