Psalm 13:1-2
"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?"
We could’ve had a baby by now.
It was 9 months ago, on that fateful day in March that the desire for adoption was conceived in our hearts. (For the full story, check out Blog Post #1) And here we are now, just a little over 9 months later, and it is not a newborn baby that we have in our arms. But you know what *coincidentally* did happen during the 40 week mark of our adoption journey? We got a phone call from our agency about a newborn baby boy in Atlanta that was in urgent need of interim care between a birth mother relinquishing her rights and the promised adoptive family receiving him.It was two days before Christmas, and we had just a few short hours to make a decision. We would be picking up the newborn from the hospital the very next day- on Christmas Eve- and commit to caring for him until after New Year’s. We were both off work, staying in town for the holidays, and we had the space- both in our home and in our hearts. I was motivated by the thought of the waiting adoptive mother in this situation. I know how it feels to be waiting for your baby. And my yes was for her. I knew it would be a huge commitment and a lot of work, but as I called my superstar sister-in-law, Natalie (who is a foster mom) to discuss the situation and to get her advice on the decision, the words she spoke over me encouraged my heart, “You are the exact person the adoptive mom would want to take care of her child! You know how she feels and you will care for him in a way she would want.”
After considering everything, Steven and I decided to take the leap of faith and we contacted our social worker letting her know that we were up for the task! And within the hour, my sister-in-law Natalie had brought over everything I could possibly need for a newborn baby boy, and gave me the cliff notes version of how to be a mother to a newborn baby!! She left the house, and I stared blankly at the bottles, baby clothes, diapers, crib, and car seat surrounding me, and I kind of just drowned in the endless sea of baby items that had flooded my house in 30 minutes flat. I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. It was a yes that I was scared and excited about, regardless of how ready I felt for it.
Oh, the mixed emotions. The bittersweet feelings I had for this situation (that was not mine to get emotionally involved in) but oh how my heart went out to the adoptive mother who would be getting the difficult news about her baby (right at Christmas time.) We prayed for all the parties involved, and at the end of the day- we thanked God that this little baby boy was wanted on all sides.
It gave me a heart for adoptive families walking through domestic adoption and the different kind of difficulties and unknowns that they have to face. The journey of adoption is long and hard, no matter the road you take to get there. But I guess that the hard is what helps to make it that much sweeter and rewarding when you reach the end?
I’ll be honest. I’m starting to have a lot more grace for our Biblical friend, Sarah, and the questionable maternal decisions that she made in her day. I get it, sister. If you can’t have your own baby, and you feel like God’s promise is never going to happen for you, I understand the need to control the situation yourself. If you can’t have your own baby, then maybe you can have someone else’s baby. I totally get the feeling of being out of control- mixed with longing, desire and frustration and wanting to do any and everything in your power to meet that (God-given) desire in your own timing and plan.
I've found that the only way to hold on and wait in the desert season of a promise land journey is to daily surrender the struggle and pain. One.day.at.a.time. To ask the Lord to change your perspective, asking Him to bring joy and encouragement your way- and it’s amazing what He will do! The most unexpected gifts begin showing up in your day, these little “God winks” as my brother and sister-in-law call them.
The same brother and sister-in-law that watched God take their cries and longings for children and gave them a foster care journey that opened up a door to adoption, and in a very rare, short amount of time, they gained two precious daughters to call their own.
I sat in the courtroom during their adoption appointment on Monday, December 31st- the very last day of 2018, and I had all kinds of thoughts running through my mind and colliding in my heart. So much emotion and joy and excitement! Such pride for my brother and his wife that (at a mere age of 28) could take on the parenting of pre-teen girls from a very traumatic background. The vows that they promised to each of their new daughters left me in those trembling-lip kind of tears. I was humbled to even be a witness of this experience, and it made mine and Steven’s adoption seem that much more real- seeing the process and what happens in the courtroom with the judge and the celebration involved. (Granted, ours will be in a foreign country with a translator and probably a screaming baby!) But still. To get to see an adoption take place up close and personal- especially in my own family- was a special gift. And to know that these two nieces of mine will be the cousins of our Little Link! It’s so exciting to think about. I can’t wait for the day that they will all meet.
The only difficult part of witnessing this beautiful adoption take place was the increasing longing feeling that it opened up in me again.
You see, for 15 weeks I’ve been living by Monday’s. Our agency registered us in the system for our India approval on a Monday (September 24) and every single week my Monday’s induce a mix of hope and dread within me. Hope that today could be the day we will get the phone call! And dread that I may have to add another week to the growing number of our waiting time for this initial Approval.
And I got to the point at Christmas break that I started to numb the feeling of caring... I guess in some vain attempt to guard my heart? I figured that keeping my hopes up makes vulnerable to disappointment... again. Again and again. And waiting each day and every week was just making me upset.
But when I stopped caring (tried to) I stopped praying with boldness and in full faith. My earnest prayers full of faith were the only thing keeping me hopeful and anticipating. Because it places the hope and expectation on God to move- not hope on people or processes that fail me.
When I watched these two beautiful nieces of mine join our family and become Melin girls, I felt the desire and longing anew for this gift of adoption and children. This mother desire inside me is only growing more and more.
On Christmas Eve, I received the most beautiful compliment from a kind lady that asked us about our adoption. When my answer about the process was lame and tempered with disappointment, she looked deep into my eyes and smiled brightly saying that I had the glow of an expectant mother!
And that is what I am!
But the hardest part is not knowing who my child is. For that is when things will feel real! Right? Maybe like when a pregnant mother can see the first ultrasound or finally feel a kick? Or see her tummy growing?
I wait in hope, praying with expectation, and I ask God for joy and peace each day that goes by.
One of the best (but most annoying) pieces of advice I’ve gotten along this journey is:
It honestly stung to hear this at first. My pride wanted to scream, “Yeah, well that’s easy for you to say being on the other side of the wait! And what exactly do you assume I’m doing every single day? Sitting around doing nothing but moping around and feeling sorry for myself? I am living my life- and it has been hard!”
But as I’ve prayed and asked the Lord to help me see His perspective in this waiting, He has opened my eyes to all that is around me in the here and now- in this preparation stage. This is a season that I’ll never get back again. I’m asking Him to teach me and mold me and to make me more like Jesus.
But we do continue to live, and we look for all that He’s trying to teach us and show us. There is life to be lived in the waiting, I know. And I don’t want to wish it all away or trade it in. If I do that now and don’t learn how to be present and find joy in this hard season, then what will I do with parenting difficulties that I face? Dry seasons of my marriage? Hardship and loss ahead? I can’t treat this season any differently and assume that it’s my hardest one to come. I know that He prepares us for what is ahead, and I want to be stronger because of my hardships, not more whiney, bitter, and self-absorbed. Lord knows that these are the things He’s already been trying to work out of this girl for a long time!
I am eternally grateful for all the kind friends and family members that have reached out with a word of encouragement or prayer or scripture during these hard days of waiting. Your love and kindness has met me at times where I just lost it in the car driving home in the pouring rain because the song that just played on the radio spilled my heart out with every verse sung. Or your message came to me after I had a private cry in the shower as I begged God in prayer to show up and encourage my weak heart. And some of your prayers hit the throne at just the moment I got the news of yet another sweet friend’s pregnancy announcement.
Stay sensitive to His voice as He leads you to encourage others.
I am an expectant mother.
I wait in hope, praying with expectation, and I ask God for joy and peace each day that goes by.
One of the best (but most annoying) pieces of advice I’ve gotten along this journey is:
Keep living your life.
It honestly stung to hear this at first. My pride wanted to scream, “Yeah, well that’s easy for you to say being on the other side of the wait! And what exactly do you assume I’m doing every single day? Sitting around doing nothing but moping around and feeling sorry for myself? I am living my life- and it has been hard!”
But as I’ve prayed and asked the Lord to help me see His perspective in this waiting, He has opened my eyes to all that is around me in the here and now- in this preparation stage. This is a season that I’ll never get back again. I’m asking Him to teach me and mold me and to make me more like Jesus.
But we do continue to live, and we look for all that He’s trying to teach us and show us. There is life to be lived in the waiting, I know. And I don’t want to wish it all away or trade it in. If I do that now and don’t learn how to be present and find joy in this hard season, then what will I do with parenting difficulties that I face? Dry seasons of my marriage? Hardship and loss ahead? I can’t treat this season any differently and assume that it’s my hardest one to come. I know that He prepares us for what is ahead, and I want to be stronger because of my hardships, not more whiney, bitter, and self-absorbed. Lord knows that these are the things He’s already been trying to work out of this girl for a long time!
I am eternally grateful for all the kind friends and family members that have reached out with a word of encouragement or prayer or scripture during these hard days of waiting. Your love and kindness has met me at times where I just lost it in the car driving home in the pouring rain because the song that just played on the radio spilled my heart out with every verse sung. Or your message came to me after I had a private cry in the shower as I begged God in prayer to show up and encourage my weak heart. And some of your prayers hit the throne at just the moment I got the news of yet another sweet friend’s pregnancy announcement.
Stay sensitive to His voice as He leads you to encourage others.
You just never know why He put someone on your mind or heart. Follow through with that and let Him use you to be apart of a bigger story He’s writing. Your faithfulness to encourage others is so important and is no small thing.
But I will recognize all the little things, the victories, the little graces along the way. They are the true heroes in this hard season.
Lord, even in my trials and pain,
I will praise Your name
No matter what I face today,
I will praise Your name
No matter what hardships come my way,
I want to be found faithful and full of faith
Lord, even in my trials and pain,
I will praise Your name
I’m so ready for some good news.
But I will recognize all the little things, the victories, the little graces along the way. They are the true heroes in this hard season.
Lord, even in my trials and pain,
I will praise Your name
No matter what I face today,
I will praise Your name
No matter what hardships come my way,
I want to be found faithful and full of faith
Lord, even in my trials and pain,
I will praise Your name
-Kml.ink
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