BUT GOD...

Since our matching with Aaro, the trials have felt numerous. The circumstances painful. The testing real and the wait, heartbreaking.

➳ Our son has been hospitalized 3 times with various illnesses and infections, BUT GOD has healed him each time, and he has since remained healthy.

➳ We were originally denied permission to visit him when we were going to be traveling to India in April, BUT GOD in His mercy changed the hearts of those in charge and gave us the opportunity to meet him. 

➳ Our 5 court hearings have either been disposed, rescheduled, delayed, or reportedly unattended by important parties, BUT GOD will “defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.”(Psalm 82:3)

➳ We had hoped that we would finalize in court on June 14th, BUT GOD, in His will and perfect timing has (for whatever reasons) allowed our case to continue, and we are now  scheduled to have our next court hearing on July 17th.

➳ I have wept and grieved and poured out every possible emotion, BUT GOD can handle my frustrations and pain and He “keeps track of all my sorrows. He has collected all my tears in His bottle. He has recorded each one in His book.” (Psalm 56:8)

➳ We were scheduled to have a video chat with Aaro last week, but it was canceled on us and we are still waiting for the chance to reschedule; BUT GOD graciously allowed us the opportunity to see our little boy in person in April where we got to hold him, sing to him, pray over him, feed him, and play with him!

➳ I have sat across from someone very near and dear to me that shared of a positive pregnancy test while I felt jealous of her good news. BUT GOD opened her womb after years of infertility struggles and He allowed me to celebrate and rejoice with her over this victorious miracle in her life. 

➳ I have felt like my whole life is on hold, just waiting to stop everything so that I can go get my baby and start a new chapter of devoting my time and energy to staying home with him; BUT GOD has orchestrated just the right job opportunities for me with the most gracious employers that know I will need to transition out when the time does come to travel and go get him. 

➳ We were anxiously waiting in silence for any news about our court hearing, BUT GOD allowed us to meet with another couple who shared with us the exciting news that they are starting the adoption process! We got to rejoice with them and spend hours talking with them about the special journey, all while sharing and recounting the many ways that God has provided for us in our journey all along the way!

➳ My hours were cut down at work one week, BUT GOD prompted a couple at our church to donate a financial gift to our family the very next day. 

➳ I miss my baby; I yearn to hold him and hug him and kiss him again, BUT GOD has sent him loving, caring people to show him affection and to fawn over him! 😭

Check this out!👇👇👇

On one of the hardest days in the middle of all our court frustrations this week, another adoptive mother who JUST got home with their little girl that is from Aaro’s orphanage reached out to me with a photo. 

Her message read:

“Hi Kristin! I have a photo of my little girl playing with a little boy (they also seemed close when we were visiting.) I don’t know if he is your little boy. I know how precious every picture is while waiting. Is this him? He’s just the stinkin’ cutest! Anyway, know that I am continuing to pray for you and your court wait!”

Staring back at me in this photo was indeed my adorable son with a pretty little girl! It was Aaro! I was so overjoyed to see his face! I told her that this was him and thanked her for sending me the sweet photo. But then she continued to share with me…

“Aaro was so funny when we were there. He was playing with a truck next to our girl while she was getting changed and he accidentally dropped the truck on her face, and she giggled so hard- which was funny because I thought she would cry! He is so loved here. He spent most of the time I could see getting passed around and smooched upon. There were a couple of visitors or donors taking a tour of the orphanage while we were there, too and the women were all fawning over him!” 

Ahhhhhh. Ok, so he might be a little bully 🙈 (sorry to hear about the truck in the face! haha) But oh my word! To hear how absolutely loved and adored he is?! 😍 Oh my goodness. Wow. I mean, we did get to see in person how much the caregivers kissed on him and interacted with him, but there was something inside of me that wondered how much of it was the norm- or just because we were there? But getting this first-hand testimony of how our little boy was being treated when we weren’t around was absolutely priceless to me! Unbelievably encouraging. I shared with my Mom about this sweet and timely message this week and she called it a telegram from God! haha. I love that. It really was. The most personal and thoughtful gesture in the middle of a very difficult and cloudy wait. He knows. And He cares.

So, we wait. We wait some more. We wonder while we wait. We wonder what is actually even happening. We wait and we wonder. But we wait and we look for purpose and meaning. We pray and spill our hearts out in honest, deep confession to the Lord. We praise and sing words to worship songs that we may not even mean but want to believe and sing until maybe we do.

I remind myself of the truth that this child is not my whole world. He is not my everything. When he does slip into becoming all that I fixate on and want, I begin to idolize everything about what is ahead. But the truth is that this child will not satisfy all of my longings and needs. I know that we will experience more hardships before we ever get him and we will certainly experience more difficulties when we begin to parent him. And he is not meant to be the one I find my satisfaction and joy in. 

This journey is hard. I haven’t felt this low and distraught in ages. I have never experienced heartache so deep. I have never wanted something so badly that I couldn’t do a darn thing in my own control or power to get myself. The lack of control is insane. The battle to TRUST GOD in the dark is wild and maddening. The longing to be a mother and to be reunited with my child feels cruel. 

But I desperately want to figure out how to actually trust God and His timing in this craziness. 

I have come to Him over and over and over again this past week- offering my microscopic mustard seed of faith. It's all I have right now. I am relying on the prayers of others, and I am truly having to borrow their faith right now as I attempt to pick up the broken pieces of mine that shattered into a million sharp little pieces at some point along the way.

I’m trying to navigate believing in God’s goodness even when things don’t feel good or seem right. When injustice rages within my fiery spirit. How to accept the peace that the Holy Spirit offers to me when I don’t want to release my anger. When I think that being at peace would make me feel like I have accepted that things are ok and fine when they are not and I don’t think that what is happening is best or good.

I’m wrestling through so much here. But I’m just trying to grapple with faith and trust in the midst of hardship and what feels like endless trials. 

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:4-8

How is it the birds are singing when my heart has lost its song?

How can life be pressing forward, when mine has been stopped for so long?

How can I find the joy in this time, this waiting, this longing, this here?

When my heart is undone and my strength is all gone and all I can taste is my tears?

How can the world just keep on turning?

Life isn’t stopping for me

It just picks up and moves right along

Why are the birds still singing so joyfully?