Dating Boundaries

We saved our first kiss for our wedding day.

It wasn’t my idea.

In fact, when Steven first proposed the idea, I equally hated it and fully respected him at the same time for it. I knew that if this young man was willing to put physical desires aside and attempt to pursue our dating relationship with self-control, sacrifice, and patience... then this was the kind of man that I wanted to marry. 

We received a lot of wise counsel during our dating relationship through a thriving college ministry that really shaped us. We put a lot of boundaries into place that helped us to get from dating to married in a healthy and God-honoring way. I’m forever grateful that we had such wise leaders pouring into us, helping us to honor one another, our bodies, and the Lord. We can look back at our dating relationship and engagement period with no regrets. The baggage of past relationships that we each brought to the table was enough to sort through... we don’t have perfect pasts nor did we pursue our relationship perfectly, either. But because of the way that we were led to do things, we can say that it was good and healthy and God-honoring and we respected one another in the process. 

Let me be clear:

This is not a list of rules. 

None of these are found in the Bible. 

These are boundaries that wise counsel shared with us before we started dating, and they are simply guardrails that we decided to put into place to help us get from single to married in a God-honoring way with as little baggage or regrets as possible. We had a strong desire to pursue our relationship with purity at the center. And with that comes a lot of sacrifice and intentional effort. 

We like to share these boundaries with other single people and dating couples in case they are helpful for them, too. We hold no judgment toward others who do not follow these boundaries. We know that our story is not like everyone else's and there's no need to compare. We may have different convictions from the Lord, but the important thing is to seek Him and to discern how He is leading you and your significant other to pursue righteousness and holiness during your dating days. 

Boundaries are personal, and you have to know how strong you need to make them for yourself- taking into consideration all of your tendencies, temptations, and weaknesses. It's important to be honest with yourself and how you have approached relationships in the past, and intentionally partner with the Lord to determine how this one might look different for His glory. Everyone's story will look different.

Here's a look at some of the personal Dating Boundaries that me and Steven established for our relationship.

2 Weeks

We didn't talk about our future together beyond 2 weeks. Why? It helped us to focus on the present and to not get too emotionally entangled too early on. We knew that we wanted to date to marry, so YES that was always in the back of our minds! And at the appropriate time we did begin to talk about marriage and what a potential timeline for engagement and spending our lives together might look like. But for the beginning of our dating relationship, we stayed in the present and didn't think too far ahead or plan what our future would like together. We enjoyed getting to know each other with no commitments beyond a fun, light-hearted innocent dating relationship. It was fun to talk about engagement and look at rings together once we knew that this was the level of commitment we both felt led to, and I personally chose to wait to look at wedding-related venues, dresses, flowers, and all the fun things until I was a fiancé. 

Commitment

When our college leader explained that "intimacy follows commitment" in a relationship, we felt convicted about how easily we had both thrown around the words "I love you" and physical affection in past relationships. In our dating relationship with one another, Steven and I chose to be careful with these words, and we wanted to make sure that when we said them that they carried a certain level of commitment to one another. We decided that we would save those special words if it meant that we were choosing to marry one another.  It was impossibly hard, and we almost slipped into saying it so many times over those many months of dating. And I do believe that we were in love very early on! But I can't even tell you how precious it was to hear those three words when Steven got down on one knee and said them to me for the first time! The next words out of his mouth were, 

"Will you be my wife?" 

I could barley see the beautiful diamond ring through teary eyes as he slipped it onto my finger. It felt so good to know that our professed love for one another was leading to a life with each other. 

Opposite gender 

This boundary started in our dating relationship and has set us up well for our marriage relationship. We established from the very beginning that A) As a dating couple, we wouldn't be alone together in any private places and B) We wouldn't be alone with the opposite gender in any situations (as much as we possibly or realistically could.) This translates to messaging, as well- we try to keep each other in a text or email thread if we're communicating with the opposite gender (beyond family.) The overall boundary here is to not be in private, alone situations with the opposite gender where things could be perceived wrongly from the outside looking in, or in actuality secret feelings or connections could begin to take place between yourself and the other person you spend time with-- no matter the circumstances or intentions of the meeting.

Intimacy & spiritual connection

Much to our surprise, even in a Christian dating relationship, our leaders warned us against praying together alone. Deep spiritual conversations, prayer, or other spiritual connections with the opposite gender can lead to emotional and physical intimacy. Once I got married, I completely understood what this meant! And boy am I grateful that this is the case. It's a beautiful privilege and gift to be spiritually intimate with my husband and to enjoy the benefits of marriage with him. But it's definitely not something that I would have thought about or considered as a boundary in dating if they didn't make the connection for us back then! We still prayed together often when we dated and were engaged, but we just tried to keep in mind the level of intimacy of those prayers and how they could easily lead to affection and longing. 

Funny enough, this boundary should be applied in the complete opposite way in a Christian marriage! May we learn how to pray and connect spiritually with one another and watch as it leads to a beautiful and biblical way of intimacy as it was originally intended. 

"If it can’t be healthy, it cannot be."

This was a phrase that our college pastor used a lot. He was referring to the overall level of health in a (dating) relationship, cautioning us to take inventory of how live-giving or toxic it may truly be. And to have the maturity to make a tough decision about ending things if they are not God-honoring or healthy in an emotional, physical, and/or spiritual way.

Isolation 

Any dating or engaged couple that desires to pursue purity in their relationship should be aware of the temptations that can easily arise when just the two of them are in private places alone together. Have open and honest conversations, setting clear boundaries ahead of time so that you don't just "find yourself" in these circumstances together. 

Additionally, we encourage couples to be mindful of how much time they're spending together by themselves in general. A good question to keep in mind is this: Have you completely disappeared from your friend group? Are the two of you spending time alone together for the majority of your week? Maybe try a balanced approach to your week- where time spent together doesn't outweigh time spent with others, school, work, friends, family, hobbies, etc. You want to bring him/her into your life- not make him/her your life. Beware of how easy it can be to make an idol of a person that you start dating!

All 4 seasons

A mentor once suggested, "See each other through all 4 seasons of a year." It's amazing what you can learn about a person if you give it a solid year to watch, learn, grow, pray, and discern if they are meant to be your spouse. Marriage is a life-long commitment; there's no need to rush. Heed wisdom and spend enough time together to really see what you're committing to; the good and the hard! How does he/she treat their mother, father, siblings? How does she/he react in emergencies? How does he/she steward money? How does he/she grow in their relationship with God? How does he/she handle jobs and commitment?

Ask. Good. Questions. -- about the person you're dating, and make sure to include their friends and their family in that process. 

These are all just questions to think about and things about another person to consider. None of them have to be deal breakers (sometimes we can have impossible standards, yeah?) But they're important factors to think through and to also apply to ourselves as we think about whether we are "marriage material" to another person that we may have standards, expectations, or an interest in!

We would love to hear other dating and relationship advice that you may have! And let us know in the comments what stands out to you the most or sounds helpful!

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8