I didn't marry a pastor.

Psalm 37: 4 says, “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

I once interpreted this verse to mean that if a Christian follows the Lord and remains obedient to God’s commands that He would give them what they want the most. 

But as I’ve walked with the Lord through different seasons, I’ve come to understand this verse to mean something much deeper and much more powerful in my life: As I abide in Christ and grow in my walk with Him, I fall more in love with Him and I learn His heart and His desires more. The more I grow in my relationship with Jesus, the more He changes me; my desires become more aligned with His and my spirit becomes more dependent on Him through prayer. He gives me new “desires of my heart” which He then delights in fulfilling in my life!

I’m so thankful that, despite my shortcomings and weaknesses, God has graciously directed my steps and has given me desires that line up with His will for my life: His good, pleasing, and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

You see, I didn’t marry a pastor. And I wouldn’t have said that a life as a pastor’s wife was a desire of my heart.

When we met, Steven and I were food servers at Medieval Times Dinner Theater speaking in fake British accents, wearing Medieval costumes and cheering for different color knights of the realm. Yes, our love story began in a castle, but our last 10 years of marriage haven’t been a perfect fairytale.  

The months and years to come would bring trials, failures, loss, and lots of waiting, but little did I know, the faith journey ahead was something worth waiting for. The enduring years of pain and heartache paved the way for some of our greatest blessings along the way.

But 10 years ago, if I had seen what my life looks like now, I don’t think I would have liked what I saw coming. I just wouldn’t have understood it. In my narrow-minded, ignorant perspective and mindset, I think I would have looked at my current life with some pretty negative thoughts and overall distaste. 

Honestly, I think I may have heard pastor and felt fear of the uncertainties or pressures that lie ahead for my husband, my marriage, our finances, and my family.

And maybe back then I would’ve seen adoption on the horizon and thought, well that’s sweet and gosh, he’s really cute, but where are my natural born children that were supposed to come first? Maybe my heart would’ve sunk in my chest as I secretly viewed it as second best or a plan B.

I'm sure I would’ve been pretty confused by the whole church planting thing. I would’ve been wondering how and why we weren’t serving on the mission field overseas like we expected when we talked and dreamed about it even as a dating couple.

And if you had told me that we would be support-raising for our family’s salary – oh, boy! I would have been so frustrated. I would have protested and said, “No! Please don’t make me do that!” There’s no way that God would lead us to ask people for money - like we’re some kind of charity case. 

But you know what? I’m now genuinely saddened and embarrassed by these attitudes and thoughts that I previously carried through the years- many of them drenched in doubt, fear and insecurity; but most of all reeking of selfishness and pride. 

In my immaturity and self-centeredness, I don’t think that God could’ve used me very effectively for the work of the ministry that He has now called me and my family to. In His kindness, God has made me aware of  how broken and sinful I am, and this has made me more dependent on Him for grace and mercy every single day. And when I tap into the power and strength of the Holy Spirit, that is when “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13.) When I abide in Him, I bear much fruit, but apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15.)

God has revealed my pride and weaknesses through some very painful circumstances. He’s allowed me to go through valleys of loss. I’ve suffered through seasons of unmet desires. I’ve known the sting of rejection. I’m familiar with insecurity. I know how fear, doubt. anxiety, and depression feel.

But all along, I can see that the Lord has been breaking me and re-making me into the image of His son, Jesus.

God has shown me that the most useful instrument in His hand is the humble one; an empty vessel, moldable, pliable, teachable and willing. Willing to be obedient no matter how it looks to others. No matter the cost. No matter what the world may think. 

“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble”  (James 4:6b)

 

I feel grieved by the self-righteousness and pride that has blinded me for so long. I had no idea that many of the gifts and blessings coming down the road for me and my family would come wrapped in "unattractive" packages. And yet, God in His goodness and kindness has changed the desires of my heart each step along the way so that each calling is done with more joy in the obedience than with dread or fear. A constant prayer of mine has been these 3 simple words:

“Increase my faith.” 

And I can see that God has indeed blessed me with the gift of faith in return. 

Though each step of faith has required sacrifice and dying to self, I have ultimately discovered that a life full of faith can be so enjoyable and bring the kind of contentment and peace that in our carnal nature we try to fabricate in so many unfulfilling ways. 

I have never been more excited about ministry, been more in love with my husband, satisfied with the love of our family, and full of faith for His provisions. It's been the ride of a lifetime! And I can tell it's only just begun!

Full Access

What would be possible in your life if you put your “yes” on the table and surrendered every closed off area, giving God full access to it? What might you learn, experience, and see happen as you release control and let God move in your life and have His way with you? Because the reality is, when we withhold anything in our lives from Him, we are ultimately claiming that we think our way is better than His; that we don’t trust Him to do “immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine” in that area of our life. Maybe we are afraid that He will ask us to do something that we don’t want to do. Give up something. Change a habit or a relationship or an addiction. Go somewhere or do something that we don’t want to. 

Find freedom in the release, in the letting go. Give Him your desires and humbly ask Him to change your “want to” if He asks you to do something that sounds less than desirable. Ask Him to “increase your faith” and trust Him to mold and shape you into the image of Jesus as He sanctifies you, and know that there is GREAT reward on the other side of obedience!