Worth the Wait

It was the final week of June, and we had been waiting expectantly for the next referral group of children to be announced with our adoption agency.

The group was expected in June, and we had gotten word that they were actively matching waiting families with the children that were available. We were so hopeful that our very own matching with a little girl was near. We really believed that this could be our chance. We were high enough in line on the waiting list, and if there were enough children available in this group, then we should be getting a phone call any day.

I was tucking Aaro in for bed, and we were staying as guests in the basement apartment of some dear friends from church while our home was being used for a college ministry group that was in town for the week. We had just stopped by our house a few hours earlier to collect our bags and belongings, and we were amazed and humbled at the sight of our home filled with 24 college age students worshipping and praying and praising the name of Jesus in our living room. Our entire home was shaking as we passed through to quickly and discreetly try to grab the remaining items that we needed for the week. And then we were off. I’ll never forget that sight… and I can only hope that it impacted Aaro as much as it did us.

A short drive to our new home away from home for the week, compliments of a gracious couple in our church that allowed us to crash - It was a beautiful basement apartment with a pool within steps; we knew that the Lord was slicing out a little retreat for our family that week, an unexpected and needed one it would seem. 

I was introducing Aaro to his new room for the week, which he was totally excited about and was fully on board with the adventure of it all. And I looked at the stack of books available in the kids’ room where he was staying. There was one that stood out among them all, and it was titled “Waiting is not Easy!” 

I read the book to Aaro, and as we giggled at the silly voices I gave the pig and elephant characters, I found myself taking in every word, every page, and secretly resonating in a much deeper way with the message.

Here’s a peak at the story:

Piggie: Gerald! I have a surprise for you!

Elephant: Yay! What is it?
Piggie: The surprise is a surprise.

Elephant: Oh. Is it big?

Piggie: Yes!
Elephant: Is it pretty? Piggie: Yes!
Elephant: Can we share it? Piggie: Yes!
Elephant: I CANNOT WAIT! Piggie: You will have to.

Elephant: Wait? What? Why?

Piggie: The surprise is not here yet.

Elephant: So I will have to... wait for it? Piggie: Yes.
Elephant: GROAN!

Oh, well. If I have to wait, I will wait.

I am waiting... waiting is not easy...

Piggie! I want to see your surprise now!

Piggie: I am sorry, Gerald. But we must wait.

Elephant: GROAN! I am done waiting!

I do not think your surprise is worth all this waiting!

I will not wait anymore!

Okay, I will wait some more!

Piggie: It will be worth it.
Elephant: GROAN!

Piggie, we have waited too long!

It is getting dark!
It is getting darker!

Soon we will not be able to see each other! Soon we will not be able to see anything! WE HAVE WASTED THE WHOLE DAY!

Piggie: Well... Um...

Elephant: We have waited and waited and waited and waited!

And for what!? ...

Piggie: For that.

To which Piggie points to a perfectly clear, radiant starry night sky.

Elephant: This was worth the wait.

Piggie: I know.

Hard News

After singing our night time songs and getting Aaro tucked in peacefully for the night, I went to my computer to catch up on some emails that I was behind on from the busyness of the previous whirlwind weekend. Unfortunately, in my email I found an emotional bomb waiting for me:

Our agency reached out to update me and Steven that the June group of children were all boys, no girls. The next group would come in September and they hoped to see girls in that group.

I fell apart.

This news was so hard to accept. And I suddenly wanted the privacy of my own home and the comfort of my own bed to crumple into. I wanted to disappear and wallow and wail. I was devastated and wondered if I even had anything left in me to wait for good news with this adoption. My mother’s heart felt betrayed and beyond discouraged. 

I had put so much hope and heart into this wait. June was already a hard wait to get to after March being our projected wait time to match. September suddenly felt ages away, and my heart felt guarded and angry at the prospect that even come September there would be no guarantee of any girls being available in that group, either. I felt hopeless. And without hope, this process began to feel crippling and unbearable. I was afraid to hope again. Fear of disappointment turned into anger, apathy, and then grief. 

Depression met me at night time. I wept and agonized and spewed all of my pain to my husband and to the Lord.  And I woke up to hopeless feelings and depression met me with the start of the day.

I felt so weak and hopeless most days for the rest of the summer. The entirety of July felt like a blur and a chore to get through. I didn’t have motivation or desire and the weight of the grief came in waves. Some days better than others. And it began to lift more with time. 

The closer we have approached September, the more hope I feel in my heart. It’s a guarded hope. But it’s a joy that I had forgotten, and it feels good to look forward to what might be coming.

Two Years in the Process

You see, we just passed 2 years of first applying for and getting accepted into the Thailand adoption program with Holt International. I never would have imagined that we would be two years into this journey and not even know who our child is yet. It’s felt like every barrier that we could have possibly faced in this process has come against us and slowed things down and tried to discourage or deter us.

We sat together that night, after getting the frustrating news that June would not be our chance to match; Steven had come in later that night from a commitment and I shared with him through tears about the email we received. I snuck into Aaro’s room and grabbed the children’s book and told him that I had just read this to our son minutes before I got the paralyzing news. And as angry and saddened as we both felt about the setback, we could still look at each other that night and honestly answer these questions with another:

Are we still supposed to do this? 

Do you still want to do this?

Do we still believe we have a daughter in Thailand?

Do we still believe this is what we’re called to do?

Is it worth this wait?

Are we crazy?

Real questions. Real heartache. Real faith. Real disappointment.

And a resounding yes, even with angry tears running down cheeks, was our unified answer to each of them.

We are still committed to this adoption, we still believe we have a daughter waiting for us in Thailand. We know this is what God called us to and we will see it through.

And we know what joy and blessing awaits on the other side of this agonizing wait to our child.

Good News

It was just two weeks ago as we were preparing for Aaro to start Kindergarten that we got good news about our process. We are now officially the first family waiting to be matched! So as the next group of children become available in September, if there’s a little girl that matches our family’s profile, then we fully expect to be matched in the coming weeks! Please join us in praying for the exact child God has prepared for our family! 

What’s Next 

If we get matched with a little girl this fall, there is still a long and unknown timeline on our journey to being able to travel and pick her up. There are approvals and government clearances and much more paperwork ahead. Matching is the first step. We don’t get to bring her home immediately or quickly! The emotional journey ahead is its own battle that I am asking the Lord to prepare me for and grant me every grace needed to face. To know who your child is and to have no control over how long it will take for you to be united with them is an entire emotional difficulty of its own. But we have done it once and we will do it again, and the Lord will help us.  

In the Waiting 

We are currently working on a home study update, something that has an expiration date once you start the process. It’s been over a year of waiting, so we have been required to update many aspects of our approval, including fingerprinting appointments, letters of recommendation, medical appointments, financial documentation, employment verification, and adoption education courses. In many regards, it has felt like starting the process all over again and redoing many steps all over- which in light of our difficult extended wait to be matched, has felt like adding insult to injury. There’s just been an overall burden of “hurdles” in this process that have really tested our endurance.  

We look forward to sharing happy news when the time comes! And we covet every single prayer over our family and our daughter and for the country of Thailand.